Tuesday, May 18, 2010
i think i am that close to become a failure
"whatever" that's all i can say for now. i'm not being myself lately people. yes i admit that this is because of the separation i have with Bean. it's like a sudden change for me for 4 fucking years. with my low income, now i have to support danish, pay aunt Ru for babysitting, pay my own hp bill, debts, transportation, my own expenses, etc. i don't even have enough to save and this thing have been part of my life since idk when. sometime i don't feel like living anymore. i hate to have all these things hanging on me all the time. one word to describe it, rimas (malay). i'm so rimas with all these things i hate that revolve around me everyday. how i wish i can lived in a fairytale where there's always a happy ending. but that's a fantasy that i can't even dream of.
i'm trying to let this go by relating it to some people that i reckon they can advice me but in the end, i was wrong. not all of them but some of them, they just don't understand the situation i'm in. maybe they're not married or what. i'm not blaming them , maybe it's just me who can't even handle this kind of situation at this kind of age. i just need a guardian angel to be with and to walk with through out this darkness till i found its light.
i'm not been praying since i discharge from Pertapis. i'm gonna tell you people something, but it's really up to you guys to believe me or not k? ok , here we go, I CAN SEE AND FEEL THE CALMNESS OF ME WHENEVER I PRAYED AND BRING MYSELF CLOSER TO GOD. seriously people, it's way different. now, i admit that i'm so lazy to even amek wudhu. haix. i regret for not having the initiative to learn how to ngaji, how to pray and all when i was young. i only picked these things when i'm residing in Pertapis, pas tu, i lupe my daratan. :( maybe most of us are like that, huh. don't you think.
sorry for not having a very good mood today, i'm just feeling so down that i even called myself a 'USELESS BITCH'.
ok now im gonna cry. bye people.
8:48 PM
