Tuesday, May 18, 2010
i think i am that close to become a failure
"whatever" that's all i can say for now. i'm not being myself lately people. yes i admit that this is because of the separation i have with Bean. it's like a sudden change for me for 4 fucking years. with my low income, now i have to support danish, pay aunt Ru for babysitting, pay my own hp bill, debts, transportation, my own expenses, etc. i don't even have enough to save and this thing have been part of my life since idk when. sometime i don't feel like living anymore. i hate to have all these things hanging on me all the time. one word to describe it, rimas (malay). i'm so rimas with all these things i hate that revolve around me everyday. how i wish i can lived in a fairytale where there's always a happy ending. but that's a fantasy that i can't even dream of.
i'm trying to let this go by relating it to some people that i reckon they can advice me but in the end, i was wrong. not all of them but some of them, they just don't understand the situation i'm in. maybe they're not married or what. i'm not blaming them , maybe it's just me who can't even handle this kind of situation at this kind of age. i just need a guardian angel to be with and to walk with through out this darkness till i found its light.
i'm not been praying since i discharge from Pertapis. i'm gonna tell you people something, but it's really up to you guys to believe me or not k? ok , here we go, I CAN SEE AND FEEL THE CALMNESS OF ME WHENEVER I PRAYED AND BRING MYSELF CLOSER TO GOD. seriously people, it's way different. now, i admit that i'm so lazy to even amek wudhu. haix. i regret for not having the initiative to learn how to ngaji, how to pray and all when i was young. i only picked these things when i'm residing in Pertapis, pas tu, i lupe my daratan. :( maybe most of us are like that, huh. don't you think.
sorry for not having a very good mood today, i'm just feeling so down that i even called myself a 'USELESS BITCH'.
ok now im gonna cry. bye people.
8:48 PM
Monday, May 17, 2010
The truth is out. A rough ending and beginning.
Hey people.
wow! it's been awhile since i last blog huh. basically there's a lot of things happened. i really DO NoT know where to start. ok let's see. hmmm. (this will be a long entry)
So now im working in my boss's dad's office. it's been 2 months now and i've been learning more day by day. hey, i didn't say it's easy but willingness is definitely the key. hahaha, stop it May Sarah. ok so the procedure is like this... 1st our customer will invite us to quote the material on the item that they wanna purchase. once both party agreed on the quotation, the customer will issue us a PURCHASE ORDER (PO). and then once PO is issued, i have to issue a WORK ORDER (WO) for each item and job and then the item can be machine in the workshop. So basically the WO is an instruction to the workers la.
so once it's done and ready to be deliver, i have to issue a DELIVERY ORDER (DO) to customer. that's when the driver have to deliver the items to customer and there will be inspection done by them . once approved and DO sign, i have to create invoice based on the price they agreed earlier. so that's when we have to wait for the payment. Payment, money, bank and all... that's my account executive job. i'm out. lol.
beside that, we have to purchase material if we're out of stock. that's when again, we will invite our supplier for quotation, then i have to issue PO to them and the procedure are the same as above mentioned, only that now we're the customer. get it?
when there's visitor, i have to prepare drinks and rooms if there's any meetings held here. and i'm the one who answer all calls, emails, fax, letters and yeah, receiver of goods that we bought. fuh! there's still more. i'm the purchaser of the office stuff like stationery, printer toner, coffee, etc. lol. and all the basic admin stuff la kan.
i was an idiot in shipping, oilfield, engineering, etc in my 1st few days but i tried to really understand what's going on cause seriously, i will be at a losing point if till now i have no idea what's going on. but remember, i'm still learning.
Uncle Ben (boss's dad) had shorten my probation last month. and yeah i'm now a confirm staff here and my salary increased by $100, ONLY. :) hee. still, not enough for me. :(
ok enough about work.
now let's talk about my life. i guess most of you already knew what's happening to me. me and husband, or maybe ex husband , whatever, decided to get a divorce in a good way. we agreed to share custody of Danish. i tried not to choose the last resort (divorce) but both of us just don't wanna be married to each other anymore. i dunno if any of u guys know what i'm talking about. so yeah. we still love each other but we just can't communicate like we used to. i'll definitely miss him for sure. but i'm not sure about him missing me. whatever happened between us will always be a part of me. growing up together from teenage to young adults, and now we have a son together, it's like a learning journey for both of us. i'll be happy for him if one day i receive a wedding invitation from him. and i'll attend the wedding, congrats them and this is what i'm gonna say to her, " what's yours, has already be mine", nyahahaha. no la. you think i so heartless ar? lol. at least that day, i'll know that someone is willing to take care of him and that someone must be a soft-hearted woman. cause, there's always one thing a woman must know about my husband is that he's a very hot-tempered person just like his dad and sensitive too and a 'policeman' who love to ask question one after another. so that's why i will respect that woman if she were to say 'i do' to him. :)
i'm not saying the husband is bad , i'm not a good wife myself either. i have flaws too. i mean i think no man will want me to be his wife. lol. the husband is a good father and sometime, a good husband. there were times he adores me like i'm still his younger sister, tease me like i'm his friend, showered me with love like there's no tomorrow but when an argument start, that's when we became each other's no 1 enemy. hee.
i can see that danish miss his dad and i hate to see him thinking why his dad has not been at home for the past 2 months. i can really see all that whenever i look into his eyes. i've promised myself that i'll bring him up with love and attention and whatever i have in me to him. i'll be his dad, mum, teacher, role model, siblings and a best friend to him. i will explain to him what's going on between me and his dad when the time is right. i wanna be the person who send him off to his 1st day of school in nursery, kindergarden, primary, secondary, etc and lastly, his National Service. i wanna see him grow as a man who respect ladies, elderly and a successful man who know what's his plans for the future. Insyaallah.
but no matter what, i'll always be there for danish. i'm not a good role model but i will try to guide him to the right path. i may be young and spontaneous but deep inside, i rather prefer danish to grow up and lead his life journey way opposite of mine cause the truth is, being bad is sucks. it lead humans to NO-where. i should have listen to my sister and that's a BIG regret i have in my life and i don't want him to know that feeling.
Mama always love you, Danish Haikal. Remember that, my little handsome. xoxo <3
p/s: i love you too people. i need a break. :)
10:47 PM
